Let's Hear it for the Boys

Professor J,

As the mother of a young man, and fortunately one who is willing to discuss his struggles with finding his place in the world, I do have some things to add. You stand amazed, I'm sure.

First, I think it's interesting that we look at information and often think we know what it means. When we export our American way of life to other countries for instance, they gain weight and their health declines. Same holds true when they come here and assimilate. One could wrongly deduce that television watching makes people fat, when what has really happened is that a diet high in sugar and carbs was introduced around the same time. Isn't it interesting that when we discuss obesity that reading, also a sedentary activity, is never blamed? Perhaps it's because it's hard to hold a book and turn the pages  while stuffing your face with chips and salsa. I know. I've tried. I own some pretty messy books. ;)

So I'm not sure that the information gathered and the causes are necessarily so easily paired up.

You didn't really say who is defining "delayed maturity" or what standard you are using for the term. I'm going to guess you are talking about young men who aren't completing an education and/or finding work and/or starting families(or all of those things) as early as previous generations. I think that there are many connected and intersecting reasons for that. When Junior's parents and grandparents were in their early twenties a high school diploma meant something. Junior could get a job with it. If he wanted a college education he could get a job, rent a dumpy apartment, and pay his tuition himself if mom and pop couldn't afford to help him.

So I'm going to blame the cost of education for much of what we see. I know some very bright and ambitious young men who have had to delay classes to go to work and begin to pay on their student loans before they can afford to continue.

Social awkwardness I'll agree with you on. We no longer send young boys to dance class or teach them manners in those corny videos from the 50s which were shown at school. At home no one is having a family dinner so how is he supposed to learn to behave in a civilized way? At least a boy in the 50s could go to the movies and see Cary Grant show him how it's done. Today's films are hardly useful for teaching civilized behavior, let alone manners. Charm has given way to crassness and I'm not sure that is even correctable in any kind of mass way.

Reduced testosterone and video games? I'll take your word for it.  Both connected to the poor physical fitness too.

As far as delaying marriage goes, my understanding is that they've learned something from watching their parents' marriages, divorces, and remarriages. They are trying to avoid the mistakes their fathers made. Here I have a direct quote from my son: I want to wait until I know I can be a really good husband to a wife and father to some kids. (I love how hypothetical he makes it all sound.) He's interested in it and in our discussions he has some pretty solid ideas about how and when he wants to do it. He's being cautious and what married person could chide him for that? My advice is take all the time you need.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of ammunition for the the culture making fun. Kind of like when Christians get upset because so much fun is made at our expense. Then I look around and think, "Oh...I get that and not only do I get it, I have no defense for most of it." I can personally try to defy those stereotypes however.

One last thing: An enormous difference between recent generations and previous ones is choice. The amount of choices. The amount of choices you are aware of. It's exhausting. Up until this point in history you were going to do what your father did. Okay if you were really a radical, you might not be a blacksmith but open a shop instead. Or farm. But all the choices were things you'd seen in your village or town. Same goes for eligible girls to marry. You went to school or church with them. You picked from what was available. Now the entire world is available!  

Now everyone informs you that you can be anything. Anything? The course catalog for college is intimidating. There are entire fields of study you don't even know exist until you start flipping through that thing. At both my kids' graduations this year I found things that made me say "That's a real thing?"  and  "You can get a masters in that?"

While I see your point and understand why it's concerning, frankly, I'm impressed any young person can get out of bed in the morning. They need so much more support than they are getting. They need so much less testing and sitting and so much more getting outside and moving around. They need a government that cares that they are educated without crushing debt that will stay with then forever even if they file bankruptcy. They need some practical advice from adults and mentors who care about them. They need some real and healthy challenges, something besides penciling in a bubble. They need to know that they can make a difference even if they are never famous billionaires.

They probably also really need someone to tell them it's okay to be scared. Because you never get over that part.