Some Balance is Due

Professor J, 


Yes, your mental agility is entertaining.  But you figured it out! :)


I'm fascinated at how we keep returning to the silicone stud.  I wonder if it's because he is the embodiment of the behavior of the other men taken to the logical end result. He has done what the men in the rest of the chapter are doing in varying degrees. He has managed to completely dehumanize women. His sexual experiences are entirely devoid of thoughts of anyone other than himself. He also tells us that he shops for their clothes, that his "job is to try and make them comfortable" and that he is "always a gentleman around them." I wonder if his ex-wives and the women he's dated recognize that behavior.

 As you've pointed out he mentions that his ("last" not just ex--which made me wonder how many there have been) used sex as a control mechanism. I've already addressed that issue in a normal relationship, but given some of the things he says I wonder how much of what she did or didn't do wasn't so much about control but emotional and physical self protection. There's a clue in his comment about how with his dolls over the years, he's "learned what works. "You can't beat them all you want"  and "they can get damaged."

 This guy and the rest of the guys in the chapter have forfeited something vital in society and interpersonal relationships: trust. I suspect his last wife knew he couldn't be trusted completely so she was reluctant to be vulnerable. (Control is unhealthy, boundaries are not.) Women want to know they can be both vulnerable and safe. He is also never having to work to gain a woman's trust or keep it. I'm not talking about trusting that he won't "cheat" (a term I know you dislike) or leave. I'm talking about an even more basic trust that a woman needs to feel, which is that a man isn't going to intentionally hurt her. Trust isn't required of him or the other men we meet in this chapter, and neither is balance. He doesn't have to balance what he wants with what anyone else wants. He is a splendid example of the result of us only thinking of ourselves. All "me", all the time, is a recipe for emotional and psychological disaster .

We're missing TRUST and BALANCE  "from Wall Street to Washington to personal relationships" just as you said, because of selfishness.  So many of the topics we discuss here are a direct result of the loss of these two elements of relationships in every thing from romance to business to politics. The absence of trust freezes people and makes it impossible to move forward. We see this in relationships where people aren't willing to commit at a deeper level, but we are currently seeing this in our economy. Distrust has ground the whole thing to a halt. We see it in the nasty political climate we are being subjected to. No one has any trust in the good intentions of the other side so we dig our heels in and refuse to move.

" You can say anything you want and they don't listen...It's all about the money. They've forgotten who they are and they don't care who they're hurting."  (p. 82) She's referring to male porn stars but we could also say it about all the things I just noted. 


Please share more about Robert Bly's talk when you get a chance.


A story getting lots of attention in our local school system is a bundle of many of these issues we've been discussing wrapped up in one unfortunate event. The football coach let loose with some profanity (gasp--in a locker room!). He was taped and it was posted to youtube prompting "outrage" (the Housewife is giving an exaggerated eye roll) and he was forced to resign. It's yet another example of our rolling along with the surveillance state as Hedges points out. Is there anyplace where we can trust that we're having a private conversation? It is also a very good example of what you and I have been discussing about "female-dominated rhetoric in the public space." I'm guessing that the person who complained probably wasn't a former football playing dad, but a mother who didn't want her darling's self esteem hurt. Since the point of the tirade was the individualistic attitude of the players I'm guessing the coach was dealing with some results of modern parenting techniques. Personally I think the kind of young man drawn to football is also the type who is going to need that masculinity and desire for physical contact channeled in a positive direction. I might wonder about it if the lacrosse coach was being quite as harsh. ;)

Back to chapter 2: 


"The reason it is so difficult for so many people to discuss is not that it is about sex--our culture is saturated in sex. The reason it is difficult is that porn exposes something very uncomfortable about us. we accept a culture flooded with images of women who are sexual commodities. Increasingly, women in pornography are not people having sex but bodies upon which sexual activities of increasing cruelty are played out. And many men--maybe even a majority of men--like it."(p. 61)


"Adult video companies such as JM Productions and Extreme Associates which includes graphic rape scenes in its array of physical abuse of women, make no attempt to hide the pain and acute discomfort endured by the women. The pain and discomfort are the major draws of the productions." p. 62-63

The amount of times women in this chapter are referred to as being discarded, thrown away, and tossed out is disheartening. But what did we expect from a culture where it's all about "me" and everything is disposable? These two paragraphs are disturbing. I bristled at the quote about "maybe even a majority of men" enjoying watching the cruelty being played out. I just find it hard to believe that most men are this detached...yet. But clearly we aren't headed down a road with a happy ending.

Heart lyrics come to mind. "What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you?" Aside from the damage these men are doing to others. Doesn't it occur to them that they are damaging themselves?

And a book? Sign me up. I'm your girl. :)