Assembling Your Tribe

 My dear intrepid Professor J,

Christmas is coming on and this housewife is struggling to put forth anything stimulating for either you or our readers to peruse this week.  But as this is a time for friends and family, I thought that something from my personal blog might suffice until Santa and his elves can come through with the order I've placed for time and inspiration. And peace. Always an appropriate Christmas wish...though this year it is much more of a prayer.


I was at a wedding recently and the bride and groom had written their own vows (Why do people insist on this?) and promised to be each other's "best friend."
 
I cleared my throat and squirmed in my seat. That's kind of a lot of pressure. And there is a gender gap about it. If you ask a married man who his best friend is, he will more often than not (especially if she's standing there) name his wife (Don't even get me started about what that says about the lack of male bonding and support in our culture). Ask a woman the same question and without hesitation, no matter who is there, she will name the woman to whom she most regularly complains about her marriage. She isn't insulting anyone, she just knows the difference.

 Life is long, if you are lucky, and complicated if you are breathing. Among other things you are going to need friends, mentors, confidantes, counselors, travel companions, work out partners, lovers, people to challenge you, people to accept you, inspire you, prod you, hold your hand and kick you in the pants. You are going to drain a single human being, putting all those expectations on them.

Take a deep breath right now and exhale the word "release" into all of your relationships...Release your death grip, release your expectations, release the people you care about from obligation.

There. Doesn't that feel better? 

You don't need one person. You are going to need a tribe. This idea is promoted by Sir Ken Robinson in his book, Element. He is specifically speaking of finding the people who share interests in your creative ventures. Those people who encourage you and share a passion for something with you. Musicians, for example, seek out other musicians to learn from, teach, and share with. It's why people with common interests form associations and clubs. If you are married to someone who has no interest in your passion for SCUBA diving or Star Wars then you already know how important your outside alliances can be.

I'd take it a step further than Sir Ken. Depending on your family circumstances, mobility, etc. you may need to fill family positions with people unrelated to you. If you have a parent who isn't trustworthy or family members who are distant, you should seek out friends for support. A friend of mine is a new mom and fairly new to town. So last year when she was pregnant with twins our coffee group became surrogate sisters dishing up advice. She dubbed us her Village People . Whether you believe it "takes a village to raise a child" or not, it certainly takes a village to keep mothers out of psych wards world wide.

I imagine my friend list as concentric circles narrowing toward the center like a target. The extremely small and carefully guarded center, I call The Inner Sanctum. Remember the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Making it to The Inner Sanctum is like that. These are people who have proven they can be counted on to keep confidences, give sound advice, listen, and provide encouragement. I'm also more than happy to do all of those things for them. You know immediately in your own mind who these people are for you.

Are you holding on to a relationship where you are doing all the work or one where you feel emotionally exhausted after spending time with that person? Think of relationships as investments. You are investing your time, interest, and attention in someone. Don't waste your time making big emotional investments in people who don't have your best interest at heart, are unreliable, or untrustworthy. Do a gut check. You know who these people are too. You may not be able to cut them loose completely for a variety of reasons, but you can limit access. It may take a while for some people to reveal their true character. Don't ignore red flags.

People drift in and out of our lives for all kinds of reasons. The game changers come to stay. They make time for you no matter how busy they are. They have a genuine concern for your well being. They refuse to allow distance or any other obstacle to come between you. They are also rare.

Choose wisely.

Tricked-Down Economics

Madame M:

Rear guard actions and coping mechanisms.  How long will they hold up?  Worker burnout is on the rise, as those who remain after cuts feel the stress of more work.

The middle class’s share of total income shrank 17% from 1970 to 2010.  Their share of total assets (including houses) did even worse.  Banks, financial institutions (Wall Street), large corporations—and of course, the executives and boards that profit by them—made sure their lackeys in  Congress wrote the rules and made the changes, including ever lowered tax rates and generous tax rules, to favor them. 

Many well-paying jobs were deliberately killed and sent overseas, not because the manufacturing plants weren’t profitable, but because the kings of greed mentioned in the previous paragraph wanted even more profits.  When a community is hit by the loss of well-paying jobs, it has a negative multiplier effect: teachers, firemen, policemen, and others, not to mention many small businesses, get cut back.  Wages fall far behind the cost of living for the average person, as people spin out of the middle class and into the lower class.  The effects cascade.  Multiply that by thousands of communities, and you have America today.

Ironic that those who fret about “foreign control” are all too willing to vote in “free trade” candidates so multinational corporations can sell America off—and sell them out—and transfer economic control.

Did the executives take the pain and the cuts as well?  On the contrary, they increased to sickening opulence while the Lazaruses waited for scraps.   CEO pay for many European corporations averages no more than 7-10 times the average worker.  Even as recently as 1978 here in America, CEO compensation was “only” 26 times that of the average worker’s wages.  By 2010 (not a very good year, if one will recall), it was 205 times. 

It is one thing to truly globally compete, and comparative advantage certainly has its place.  But this idea that giving more money to people at the top who already have tremendous amounts, who have benefited ultra-tremendously the last 40 years while the middle class has declined, is ludicrous.  They don’t “create jobs,” as 5 minutes worth of serious consideration would tell you; otherwise, we’d be swimming in jobs the last 12 years, and that certainly isn’t the case (as the Congressional Research Service found out, tax cuts for the wealthy DON’T help the economy or create jobs; you don’t hear about the study because Republican congressmen suppressed it).  As Tina Dupuy of Cage Syndicate wrote in an article September 5^th of this year, “Trickle-down economics is a pyramid scheme.  The idea of those at the bottom sacrificing their retirements benefits (pensions, Social Security, Medicare, etc.) so that the top tier can pay even less in taxes” is sold to people that somehow they too will become rich if taxes for the rich just get lower.

Too many of us seem magically ensorcelled by the above mantra.  Even though  signs of decay are all around us: 1) Worst wealth inequality in the industrialized world, 2) poverty rate that has skyrocketed to nearly 16%, 3) top 1% of Americans own almost half of the nation’s wealth and yet only 5% of the nation’s debt.  As Dupuy says, “we’re fatter, sicker, further in debt, and using the most illegal drugs in the world.”

“Don’t punish success”, the men who do the spin for the wealthy say.  “Don’t regulate, that is punishing those who would create jobs in a free market and makes them withhold jobs out of uncertainty.” 

It’s a lie.  While there is at times maddening and excessive regulation (George Will is notorious for fishing up the instances), what the above spin is for is merely to deflect you the people from having your creature—government—do anything to those who are bleeding you slowly to death.

The simple mathematics is that those at the top don’t exist in enough numbers to create demand and stimulate the economy by their spending, even if they wanted to do so.  That can only come from many millions of middle class consumers with spendable money who by that spending create demand for products and services, and with that demand, even more jobs.

That has a proven track record, and it’s also socially stable and long-term sustainable.

Family Therapy for 300 Million

Professor J,

Boy, your opening paragraph is loaded! The last statement is interesting but I'm relaxing this week and hardly in the mood to divert attention to the theological untangling that would require. I might ask "Where's the love?" though.

We are looking more and more like the family who is willing to spend all the inheritance money on lawyers just so our dysfunctional side of the family can win. We may even burn down the old homestead in the process. No matter. We don't even know how we all ended up in the same family together and we are now willing to sacrifice whatever familial relationship and good will that use to exist to be right.  Our ever constantly shell shocked ears are now only attuned to rhetorical explosions in sound bites.

And to draw from an old joke we have in the south about not hiding our crazy relatives in the attic, but bringing them right into the parlor to show them off, each side now not only isn't embarrassed by the bombastic things that are said, but more and more it is proudly embraced. We have sent our crazy uncles to legislate on our behalf. What's worse--we are starting to lose touch with a standard for rational behavior.

Half of the family wants to disown the other half, and we are barely on speaking terms. The Hatfields and McCoys would just be so proud.

We need family therapy. Tough love. A Dr. Phil/ Uncle Sam who would force us to look each other in the eye and listen while we work toward solutions. Of course even with the hardest work and best intentions relationships with people who are truly toxic to us can't be saved. We are all feeling a severe lack of trust and rampant insecurity.  Perfect for an economic nervous breakdown.

The problem is we are all going over the cliff together in the same boat, crazy uncles and all. Kind of a high price to pay to be able to say that "our side" didn't give in. Which is going to sound pretty silly on the way down.

Apathy or Extremism

Do we Americans really peg the meter from either apathy or polarization?

Yes, we have often been rather apolitical, but when exactly did we become so extreme?  The perception of so many is similar to the woman in Nebraska who wrote to her newspaper that “public good” is something that “begins in the womb (not to mention marriage between one man and one woman)…(and that) the Health and Human Services mandate that forces coverage of the intrinsic evil of sterilization and birth control is an abomination.  Therefore, we may come to civil war of a sort, because many of us would rather die in jail than burn in hell.”

I won’t begin to dissect the insinuations and assumptions in all that.  Yet it’s demonstrative of the pressure cooker society where problems escalate and things change—many perhaps not for the better—and views become “my way or no way.”

Leonard Pitts of the Miami Herald said on 11/8/12, it’s the anger, the irrational, extreme, blinding anger: “A platform of fear-mongering, xenophobia, demagoguery, and inchoate anger so extreme as to make Ronald Reagan seem almost a hippie in comparison.  It has embraced the politics of pitchforks and bomb-throwing wherein candidates must compete with one another to see who can say the most bizarre and outrageous thing—and where moderation is a sin against orthodoxy....(an orthodoxy) that demonizes the rest of us to appeal to a very few.”  And as Robert Reich said on 11/11/12, many white males, especially those over 40, have become “a tinderbox of frustration and anger, eagerly ignited by Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and other peddlers of petulance, including an increasing number of Republicans who have gained political power by fanning the flames.  That hate-mongering and attendant scapegoating—of immigrants, blacks, gays, women seeking abortions, our government itself” diverts us from seeing that we “depend on each other in order to survive.” 

There is lots of barely hidden racism and prejudice of all sorts.  From those watching change and not liking it.  Watching color and ethnic and other “domination” start to slip away (their perception, instead of an alternate perception of becoming “more diverse”).

There is also a gender gap.  The wives aren’t going to let hubby know what’s going on.  And if you think they are going to tell the truth to some phone pollster while hubby is in the next room, well…

All of which makes those white males even angrier, as none of what is happening or results “makes sense.”

Never mind, of course, that “red” states receive, on average, far more federal government money than they pay in federal taxes, and yet traditionally have poor government services.  The situation is opposite in the “blue” states.  There’s two counter-intuitives for us to mull over.  Makes all that talk of “takers” and “moochers” seem a little silly.  As Dana Milbank of the Washington Post put it on 11/15/12: “Those who are most ardent about cutting government spending tend to come from parts of the country that most rely on it.”

As more than one commentator has put it, secession might be a good thing for the rest of the country after those seceding would go.  But such talk, while perhaps natural to feel, merely allows extremists to feed off each other in symbiosis and codependency.  And we let them.

Sitting back apathetically and HOPING some vague “it” will be taken care of, is delusion.  We must stay engaged. 

And we must all feel, when talking with or thinking about our fellow Americans: “If you are truly a patriotic American, I care about what happens to you even if you hate my guts.”

Discerning that is incredibly difficult in this climate, however, for so much seems like marked, almost criminal selfishness and willful blindness.   The kind of blind zealotry that burns all to the ground in its zealousness.

This is going to be a tough period, no doubt about it.

The X, Y, Z Factor

Professor J,

You raise good questions about the Millenials (or as you prefer the more specific Y and Zers). Of course your initial reaction would be a list of questions I don't have the answers to. Which may mean I should break down and read the book on this subject.

While the authors were hopeful, and I have to say in many ways I am as well, We do see lots of negatives as well as positives. Corporations don't quite know what to do with a new generation that is so markedly different from the previous one. Several major companies are hiring consultants to help teach them how to manage this generation. The work ethic for a generation that is use to getting a trophy for just showing up is much different than their parents'. I wonder how many college professors and human resource departments are happy to field calls from parents concerning their "child's" performance.

You made a good point about any generation being called "The Greatest" when the standard for that, in this country anyway, is the founding one. In both of those examples we could point to hardship, sacrifice, and high standards expected for behavior as reasons that they were able to accomplish what they did. I wondered aloud to my kids at the WWII Museum in New Orleans if those fresh young faces staring back at us from display photographs would have been able to go out and save the world if their characters hadn't been forged by the deprivation of the depression. Did they think they and their friends would be up to such selfless sacrifice? An entire generation that has rarely been uncomfortable yet alone, hungry, cold, afraid? I got knowing looks back from them. The 18 year olds in those photos were adults. In contrast it seems we are only being nice today if we call a college freshman a "man." Adolescence edges toward thirty.

So while our offspring and their peers have let all kinds of narrow mindedness drop by the wayside and refused to embrace prejudice, we notice something else. Their connectedness and devotion to friends, which can at times be admirable, also means that we can see them nearly addicted to their gadgets. The number of young mothers I see staring down at I-phones instead of engaging the tiny person across from them bothers me. But if you watch long enough you are likely to see the baby or toddler Instagrammed, so mommy can post to FB. That brings up all kinds of questions about the importance of face to face interaction and speech in early childhood development. But judging from the number of  toddlers and young children I've seen whine for the I Pad or I Phone and then proceed to use it, we may see an even further breakdown of civilizing the next next generation.

They are indeed, as you pointed out, growing up with a very new and very different sense of privacy, or even what should be private, if anything. I am amused however at some of the sour commentary by the older generations. "We wouldn't have thought of putting pictures of ourselves on Facebook." When of course the fact of the matter is that we can never know whether they would have or not. It's possible that society's mores would have curbed some of that behavior, but would those standards have been changed by the technology? Which came first? The exhibitionism or social networking? 

Still, for all their faults (and let's face it most of that can be laid at the feet of parents and pop psychologists) they have enough good traits, I hope, that they may be able to work together, compromise, and share enough to actually tackle some tough problems and bring about much needed change. Only time will tell.

Millennial Buzz

Madame: Please pardon the bunching up of everything, as Chrome is not cooperating this evening. Excellent points you make (and related to my post on The Professor!). Awhile back, you posted some links to scholarly works on the Millennial (who I will call the “M’s” rather than break them out more correctly into their “Y” and “Z” pieces) generation. My initial reactions were: Which part of the millennials? How certain are the researchers that they will not be like the Boomers, who seemed to have a great seed of progressive thought and activity, only to often settle into conventional thought as time went on (and age increased)—and many of whom had never had any thoughts BUT conventional? Are the researchers confident they are not mixing some trends with any wishful thinking? Is it projection of hopes and dreams onto the M’s, or is it analysis of actuality? Is it infatuation with the idea or is it reality? Does the research apply across racial, ethnic, and social groups? We need to ask because as promising as they are, there are a lot of counter-trends as well. The promise they have comes from many things, not least of which is that they grew up in a culture that was the post-result of civil rights battles. Racial, ethnic, gender, generational (at least their own families), etc. divisions come far less naturally to them, even in these economically harder pressed times. And they communicate in ways not just different, but outside the box of conventional expectation, and also with different expectations of privacy. Their irreverence for traditional authority structures and traditional reward and punishment mean they challenge systems (including religious, but perhaps not spiritual, systems) in steep ways. Of course, this also means they are frequently accused of entitlement or narcissism, as well. Much is made of “generational cycles” and comparisons with the so-called “Greatest Generation.” [As an historian, I may have issues with a generation being called greater than the founding/framing generation, but I’ll roll for now. :)] While the M’s have great promise (including as entrepreneurs and employees who confidently meet challenges, with technology and little negative emotion), they also have great challenges in themselves. For instance, more than one detractor has asked: How is this generation not just entertaining and diverting itself (and us) to death? Of course, time and the shapings of historical events will tell, but one thing is virtually certain: One day, the Boomers and the X’ers will be largely gone off the stage, and the M’s (or, more accurately, the Y’s and Z’s) will lead their societies. Regardless of any fawning, fussing, or fuming of their predecessors. :)

Dear Santa, Back Off

Professor J,

Thanks for your analysis of the BP settlement. I see that you addressed JC's questions in the comments, so does that catch you all up? Don't get too comfortable in that. Someone will toss up some more questions for you I'm sure. But today, the day before Thanksgiving I'm giving you a break. :)

Note to the reader: Today's post is meant as a gentle reminder for all of us. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement and hype created around particular events. I am reminding myself along with you, to approach things thoughtfully.

Have you ever noticed how things creep, seep, and edge their way into other things? Things that are shocking the first time you see them, like a high school basketball game on ESPN or a Christmas commercial before Halloween. But we adapt quickly and in just a couple of years, though we may have some issues with it lingering in the back of our minds, we accept that it is "just the way things are."

In the past few years we've seen stores open earlier and earlier on Black Friday. The idea that a store would open at 4:00 AM should make us cognizant of the fact that employees would have to arise a couple of hours before that. Simple logic would tell us that they would have to retire early on Thanksgiving night, thus cutting time with family and friends short, if they were going to survive the retail wars the next day without collapsing. As if that hasn't been bad enough, the past couple of years corporations have added an even more direct assault on Thanksgiving: stores that are open ON the day when we are all supposed to be taking some quiet moments to reflect on and be thankful for what we already have. Surely we can do better than a day of gluttony followed by a day of conspicuous consumerism.

Thanksgiving becoming just another day, when we barely pause at all to think on all our blessings before heading out to the mall, cannot be far behind.  This year, Walmart, Toys R Us, Kmart, and Sears are all opening their doors at 8 pm Thursday. Together with Target, that's two to four hours before they opened last year.

There is a petition being circulated by a Target employee to save Thanksgiving. The company's response through their spokesperson is:

 "Target’s opening time was carefully evaluated with our guests, team and the business in mind. Across the country, team member preferences were considered in creating our store staffing schedules. Thanksgiving weekend is one of the busiest of the year, and we appreciate our Target team’s flexibility on this weekend and throughout the holiday season."

It's a nice touch that they put "business" last. Anyone fooled by that? The company is sure to make known the fact that employees are eager to work these hours and get paid overtime, so eager in fact that more employees volunteered than there were slots to fill. They don't seem to think this might say something about the regular pay of their workers.

Far be it from me to want to ruin anyone's holiday fun. I'm not averse to Black Friday shopping even. But I'd like to encourage it being done in a more thoughtful manner. Local small businesses and restaurants will welcome your patronage on the biggest shopping day of the year. And I doubt corporations like Target and Walmart will miss you. Or you could do something totally radical and plan a post Thanksgiving day that doesn't include shopping at all. I'm thinking it might be a lovely day for a hike to work off those calories consumed the day before.

           Happy Thanksgiving!